In the beginning (of me) there was me. A strong confident red headed, some might say hot headed, little girl ready to take on the world. I think that’s how my mom would have put it. I was brave, strong, persistant, curious, full of laughter and enjoyed life. My hair was wild and at times untamable a little like my personality. And then as time moved forward I evolved to fit the environment around me. The me that I was turned into the me that I am not.
I would say my therapist described it best in our meeting last week. She said, “You were a fish in the wrong pond. You know like there is this pond full of bright orange fish and there you are in the midst of it a solid white fish. You just didn’t belong.” I have spent so many years trying to be like all the other fish in the pond I grew up in. I even found and dated a man that was a lot like the fish that I had called daddy. He looked the same and in many ways acted the same. And yet, he was a little different too. I was drawn in some ways to his likeness and in other ways to his difference. Neither of which were a good thing for me.
One day I left the pond. Clean jumped ship as they say. I packed up my stuff, took all that was of importance to me and hightailed it out of the pond I had called home for 28 years. For a time I was in between ponds. A fish flailing about on dry land in desperate need of water, but not just any water. I wanted to find the right fit. A pond that I could be free to be me in addition to being guided, encouraged and influenced by other fish to explore, grow and become the best me I could be. I was looking for a group of fish that didn’t just take no for an answer. Ones that didn’t believe ‘this is as good as it gets’. What I have learned is I was also looking for fish that didn’t let their past or present circumstances define who they are. A completely different pond with very different fish.
It was only a matter of time when I found my new pond. It wasn’t too difficult to re-enter the water as I had been longing for it. Initaily the water quenched my thirst and fulfilled my need to get my gills wet so to speak. I relaxed a little and got comfortable in my new digs. I begin to flow with the day to day life. A little me, the one I used to be, began to surface. It was then that I would hear people say, “I can’t believe (you ever lived in that kiind of a pond) it! You don’t seem anything like that.” It was then that I would share my story and paint the picture of my former pond. My life as a victim if you will and all that went with it. And just how that pond had ruined the me that I once was. And when they tried to deny it, tried to tell me that I was still me, I would quickly tell them that I was not. I had been tainted by the pond I grew up in and I would never be the same.
After several years in my new pond and telling the story of my past over and over again I begin to realize that although I had left the old pond and moved into this new space in my life, the old pond was consuming me more than it ever had before. The ugliness had settled into the core of who I was. I spent a great deal of time thinking about it, reliving it, wishing it were not so. Inevitably my thoughts would turn to anger and I would be filled with resentment, bitterness and contempt for the ones who had caused me pain. They deserved to be punished and to never forget what they did to me, how they had changed the me that I was. And yet, they were not here anymore. The anger and bitterness was effecting the new people around me. The ones that I love and cherish. The ones that make me happy. Not the ones that had caused me so much pain. My new pond was getting infected by the me I was becoming.
I like my new pond. I like that a little of the me from the beginning was finding a way to be. In fact I think the me that I am supposed to be has been inside waiting for the chance to come out. Over the years I have pushed it down further beneath the pain, anger and bitterness, stifling me to my core. Thankfully it was strong enough to resist and to hold on. Recently I recognized what was happening to my new pond and that I in fact am responsible for it. I have also realized that while I am not to blame for the abuse I endured I am to blame for letting it consume me and for holding onto the pain, hurt, anger, bitterness and desire to punish the perpretrators for all eternity. In letting that go, I am seeing an even better me emerge. The murkiness of my pond is clearing and I like what I see.
Now there is me, a strong seemingly confident red headed, working on not being too hot headed, woman who is excited to continue to evolve in my new pond. I am ready to take on my past. I look forward to once again taking on the world around me as I grow, learn and explore life around me.
I still have a long way to go. There is healing to be done. There are lessons to be learned. I am moving towards but not yet at the place of forgiveness. One thing is very clear. The me that was in the beginning is still here and I am now ready to let her be. I have had a desire over the past few years to begin writing. Some of you read my other blog which is a real estate and family blog. At times I have been hesitant to write on it due to what I wanted to write. I found that I have been holding myself back so as to not offend others. It was brought to my attention that it might be a good idea to have a separate blog to write whatever I want. So this is my little disclaimer that will be reiterated on the blog officially.
This blog is to be a place where I can share whatever comes to my mind to write. I chose the title: Live Think Write, because it encompasses how I feel. I am simply living life and at times I want to write about what is happening in my life and the lives of those around me. I am a thinker. At times I just want to write what I am thinking. Some will agree and others will not. I like to think outloud and process situations. And then there is the strong desire to write. I want to write. Blog posts, poems, children’s books, a book about healing and forgiveness, maybe one about mothers and daughters or about freeing yourself from an abusive cycle or other self help books. And so it is here in this new blog that I will continue to live, think and write.